**TRIGGER WARNING**
This post includes depressive/intrusive thoughts and self-harm.
God. I seem to mess up everything somehow all the time. I don't know why. Something must be wrong with me. I feel like I've been SO sheltered and locked down that I sometimes can't even think for myself or do anything myself. I live with people who assume the worst of me and try to do everything for me and because of that, when I try to do something, I get scared. When I do something it seems to almost always have some sort of ripple effect into a bigger picture that gets messed up. And that doesn't matter how small whatever I did may be. Now, I've recently been trying to love myself and accept who I am as a person. BUT, when things like this happen I go so far back into being an insecure little girl who hasn't grown up. I want to grow. I'm trying to grow. And it's hard. I made a mistake. I've made a lot of mistakes. Things that could've been avoided have been made worse because of those mistakes. There are things I could have done differently. Why wasn't the other path chosen? Why am I here? WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING HERE? I just hurt myself. Well tried to. I was too afraid to go even harder. And for some reason after the first time I just HAD to do it again. When I did it I felt some sort of release and I don't understand why. I've got somewhere to be today. And now I have to clean myself up, and act like what just happened and what I just did didn't happen. Act like it didn't happen. Act like it didn't happen. Just act like it didn't happen. I don't want HIM to know. I don't want ANYONE to know.
{The passage above was written in the moment of a mental collapse, raw, unedited, right as it was happening}
I hadn't gotten that low in a long time. As it was happening, I pulled out my notes app and started typing everything that was happening and everything I was feeling. Although it didn't stop things from progressing, it did help me in a way. It shortened the length of time I was in the moment. As I continue my journey, I want to acknowledge all my feelings and discover more about myself. I want to have more control. Gain better coping strategies. I realize that keeping things down only result in the aftermath of what happened in that moment.
Well, welcome to my fairytale.
~iheartfairytales
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